Dear Joshua,
No matter how many times you tell me that you love me more, deep inside my heart I know I love you just as much and then some. You are extremely special and important to me. From the time I met you till now we have endured some pretty tough shit. I know Sometimes our situation might not be ideal but at the end of the day I love you even more than I did the day before. From our nasty fights to our silliest laughs about the dumbest things, I still love you, and ALWAYS will. I know times are hard right now, I understand that. I just want you to know that no matter how tough things get I will never walk away from you. You have shown me a new side to love…a side that I thought I had all figured out until you showed up. You opened up my heart and mind to what it really meant to love someone. I’ve grown so much as a person since I’ve met you. I’ve also learned a lot about what its like to love some as much as I love you.
I know I’m not your family, and the words I speak at times may not mean as much as something that your mom might tell you, but everything I do tell you, I mean. You say you have become a disappointment to your family, but in all honesty what’s the big disappointment? U didn’t go to a 4yr university like they wanted u to? Oh well. Life has plenty of other options to choose from than just following what others want u to do, trust me I’ve learned it the hard way. You’re family is always gonna expect things from u but u can only push yourself so far until u break. I know the things you love, and the things you hate. From my point of view, I think youre perfect. Even if you think the total opposite. Imperfections are what make us unique and beautiful. I love that you have feelings and don’t give a fuck about what others think of you, its truly pure beauty. When I think of you, I think of a handsome man who has the world in his hands. You are so talented and good at everything that if you wanted, you could build you and I a spaceship with a dj booth inside where you can mix us some house or dubstep to listen to on the way up :) I see so much in you, Joshua. You’re absolutely amazing considering you’re only human like the rest of us.
I need you to know that no matter what…I will always be by your side. I’m in love with you, just like u are with me, and when I say that I love you, I truly mean it. I love you through the worst of life and through the best of life. Through thick and through thin. Forever and ever and beyond that baby.
Love Always,
Maxine
I am so persistent when it comes to LOVE. It’s like a craving I’m always trying to satisfy, and when I can’t satisfy it no matter how much I want it, I break.
It sounds so cowardly of me to say that I crave love because my father wasn’t there for me as a child. Or to say I crave it because I feel jealous of others who seem to get more of it than I do. You may think I’m pathetic, or over dramatic, but in all reality its the plain truth.
When someone gives me the chance to love them…I get in there and explore them. When a guy shows me a part of them that they’re reluctant on showing, I grow closer to them. When a guy tells me he loves me, I only hope that its for the right reasons. When I tell him back that I love him too, its because I do, I truly do. From the inside, out and the outside, in, I truly admire him.
Although I wish I could have gotten the perfect amount of love as a child, i have got to accept the fact that I did not, and live with it.
When I get into arguments now at 21 years old, with this guy who means the world to me, I fight and fight to make things okay again as fast as possible, because I feel that if I don’t, he might leave or ignore me causing me to feel empty inside, like I did when I was a child. Such a feeling that took over my body causing my heart to literally hurt and my stomach to knot, and my eyes to tear. Is that selfish of me to try and find solutions to problems right away, or am i just obsessed with being happy or in a good place with someone? I don’t know what to call it but a problem that I have created within myself.
When I love, I love hard. For not being over exposed to it as a kid, I think I’m great at loving him. I think him coming into my life made me want to show him all the love I could possibly give to someone because I didn’t get it all growing up. Just like you want to give your kids everything you’ve never had, i want to give him everything and more…that I’ve never had.
.
the first night without you was harder than i could have ever imagined.
it hurts having to let go because you say its best for me.
I saw three shooting stars last night which led me to believe that maybe there still is a lil hope left in this fucked up world we call home.
…so after i saw the third, I then wished upon a shooting star for the very last time in my hopeful state of mind.
If there is a god…he knows how hard it’s going to be for me, to fill back in the hole in my chest.
My anxiety can suck a cock then choke on it and go straight to hell. I fucking hate it!
Im not 8 fuckin years old anymore…so dont treat me like I am. Oh wait…maybe you don’t remember what it was like when i was 8 because you were never there. Now you want to be a father…
I scare myself at times. & a little while ago, i had one of those moments.
I don’t know what i was thinking, but all i can say is this…my mind was definitely playing tricks on me; Putting me to the test.
IDK if i did the correct thing, but what I stuck with was my heart, because about 99% of the time, my heart makes the right choices.
They say follow your heart. & that’s what’s going to suffice.
It was the worst I have ever felt. The worst this fucking anxiety shit has gotten to me. Not only did I get the usual, ‘where is my home’ feeling, but my heart was out of control, I was taking deep breathes and could barely breathe correctly. Tears were beginning to swell up in my eyes and I could feel myself getting weak. I’m starting to feel as if I’m never ever going to overcome these anxiety episodes I get. I get upset for having to feel that pain. Not only does it hurt me, but most of all it scares me. I’m scared that I will never be in full control of my life. What happened today lasted about 4 hours. I went to the gym to try and work it out but I caught myself starting to breathe extremely deep, start shaking and the tears started to swell up once again. I don’t want to keep living like this. I don’t want it to keep getting worse. I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I’m a happy person, but when I get like this I’m totally off.
It’s hard for me to think about going to someone to help me overcome this shitty feeling I get, but I know that I may need it. It all goes back to what happened in the past. It’s some sort of post traumatic stress disorder, I know it is. I hate having to blame that for the way I am now but I know that’s what did it for me.
I remember when I was about 7 years old I was at my aunts house on a Sunday afternoon. I was sitting in the kitchen talking to her while she was cooking when I got that feeling. It wasn’t the first time I had gotten it but when she noticed that I had looked down and gotten quiet she asked what was wrong. I told her its this feeling that I get but I can’t explain it. When she heard that, she told me that I would be ok and not to worry about it.
Ever since then I try not to think about it but when it comes around, it makes me not feel okay.
I’m gonna work on bettering myself and my mentality to try to get rid of what comes over me from time to time. I’m going to try my hardest. I don’t want this with me anymore. I’m sick of it. its starting to become exhausting.
Name every romance movie you’ve seen. Name every movie where the guy ends up with the perfect girl for him. The movies with the happiest ending…they remind me of you.
When I think of all those movies I automatically replace the lovers in it with you and I. Whether they make me smile, laugh or cry I still think of you. There isnt one movie that I’ve seen where I don’t pretend that it is us in the film.
It’s the relation in my eyes of the two lovers and us. Perfection is what I see in us whether we fight or argue. Whether I don’t look as attractive as I did the day before. Whether the girl next door is prettier than I am. Whether we have issues within us that neither of us know about, and in reality perfection is far beyond our reach.
The problem I have encountered within myself, that occurs on a daily basis, are the illusions that flow freely through my mind about you and I. Not that its a bad thing, but when I’m up in space for too long I only yearn for you that much more.
The way I feel about you is nothing but complete true feelings. The words I speak to you are nothing but honesty, and the way I will place my hands upon you will be with nothing more than with Passion and love.
My heart grows even more fond of you with every ’ I love you’ that you speak to me. It beats faster with every kiss you send my way. And gets heavier with every sweet thing you say to me.
Would I trade you for a trillion bucks you ask? Baby, I wouldn’t trade you for the world.”…cause I’m in love with your story. In in love with your smell and your smile” . There’s nothing that I don’t love about you. You’re exquisite. Perfect. Flawless. I’m IN LOVE with you.& nothing will ever come between us, I swear.
him: mmuuahh! babyy…
me: Mmm. Yes beb?
him: I fuckingg love you so much babygirl
me: Mmm(: I love you so fucking much too beb
him: its going to be me and you til the end baby
me: i cannot wait babe, really.
him: im going to be with you baby and only you.
me: Promise? Forever and ever?
him: i promise baby i really do
me: Mmm…your gonna make me cry babyyy.
him: no crying love
me: I know baby. U just dont know how much everything u just said, means to me.
him: mmuuahhhh<3
me: ..mmmuuaahhhhh!!!
him: =))
me: Don’t ever let go baby.
him: im not ever going to let go of you baby, your amazing.
me: Awwhh…babbeee.
him: it would be impossible to ever let you go baby
me: Mmmm…I need u hereee. I love you baby. U mean so much to me.
him: I love you too baby
me: Mmm…geez those words babe.
him: what baby
me: Everything u said. I feel like I’ve finally accomplished what I’ve wanted my whole life. Someone loves me for me and is finally on the same page as I am than me always being the one who puts my heart on the line and it getting blown to pieces.
him: that won’t happen anymore baby
me: I’m glad love. Honestly baby, u don’t know what everything u just said did to me tho. I love you so much.
him: did you cry? I love you more baby
me: Yess i did. But in a good way. It’s like the tears were all drops of pain leaving my body. I finally found what’s been missing. It’s indescribable love you bring to me baby. Seriously. U not only feel like my loving daddy that wants to protect me and love me forever, that was missing when i was a kid, but u also are that guy that will love me unconditionally even when u know my darkest secrets, and would comfort me in ways that would only bring our souls closer together. U made it come out.
him: I wish i was with you right now baby
me: Me too babe
him: hug you tight and hold you in my arms(=
me: pleassee(: mmm…the tears just keep cominggg
him: I need to wipe those away too. off that beautiful face baby.
me: I’m gonna hold on to youu
him: okay love
me: Mmm
him: mmmuahhh!
me: Muuahh.
him: =))
me: (: I love you
him: I love youu too baby
me: Geez. You mean so much to me Joshua. I’m never goin to lose you. I promise. It’s you and I til the end of time, and beyond that.
him: Perfect baby
me: Of course it is baby.
<3333
Supposedly I have attitude, and I’ve changed. According to her I’ve changed into “one of them” and i don’t give a shit about anything. & I hurt her feelings.
She brings up the past and tells me it’s not her fault and that she isn’t like that anymore, when i never said anything about it. She raises her voice with me and starts yelling when I’m trying to talk like a fucking civilized human being. I raise my voice because i know there’s no way in hell she can hear what I’m sayin now. She tells me not to yell at her and i go off on her. She starts cussing at me and then i start to cry with the words she speaks.
It’s the same thing with her almost everytime i talk to her nowadays. I understand shes frustrated that i don’t go see her a lot but the visiting each other should go both ways. Since the time i moved out with her (@ 9 years old) she has only driven to my house twice to pick me up and spend time with me. & she’s the one with a car. I, on the other hand don’t have my own car, and have still managed to go visit her via train, or getting a ride out by a friend & i would go visit at least once to twice a month.
Yeahh yeaahhh yeaaahhh Evelyn. Everything you tell me is bullshit. Everytime you bring this shit up you’re looking for a fucking argument, and when you say you don’t want to talk about it, obviously you do or else you would have never brought it up in the first place.
At the end of the day you’re always going to be my mom, and nothing will ever change that, but it can change the way i look at you. Learn to respect me and my feelings, and all the shit you have ever put me through. I didn’t ask to be brought into this world, let alone be raised in the environment I was brought up in. Do you not remember your past? Have i ever givin you shit about the kind of mom you were to me as a kid?! NO I HAVE NOT! You know why?! Because i know you’ve changed for the better, but if you want to keep bringing up the past then we can! The past has put me in the place I am right now! With a step family…and my dad. If you don’t like it, then blame your fucking self. I’m tired of being nice and not speaking my mind the way i should. LET’S FACE IT MOM, you fucked up and you’re hating yourself for it. But for some reason you tell me shit because, I’m the problem now? It doesn’t make sense…honestly. Don’t blame me for your mistakes dude, because you’re just pushing me further and further away everytime you call to yell at me.
If you want to see me, tell me! but you have to make your way out here too every once in a while. It’s the least you can fuckin’ do. REALLY. If you want to talk…then talk. If you say “you’ve changed” then explain to me how i have fuckin changed! Don’t just speak bullshit over the phone and say “you have Max, there are things that you do and say that make me think you’ve changed” and when i ask how I’ve changed and to explain don’t just say “you just have Max. You have!”
Don’t call me if you’re going to bring me down and just make me cry and feel like fucking shit. You have no idea how much you mean to me. Not being with you hurts me too! & there are nights when i cry myself to sleep because i miss you so much. But i don’t care huh?! I don’t give a shit about you and that side of my family, right?! Mom you’re so full of shit. Let me blame you for me being so fucked up. All the things that scarred me as a kid….let’s put all that on your shoulders! It’s not a good feeling being blamed for shit when it wasn’t even your fault. You put yourself in that situation and it fucked up both our lives. TAKE THE BLAME FOR IT ALREADY! Learn to deal with it mom, cause as much as it hurts me, and as deep as the scars are that i hide, nothing is ever going to change. Don’t blame me for not being able to be with you, because you did this to yourself. & you dragged me along for this fucked up ride.
Thanks for reassuring me that at the end of every day the only person I can always depend on is me, myself & I.
& that’s the honest truth.
